Psalm
103:8-9.
The LORD is full of compassion and Mercy, slow
to anger and of great kindness.
He will not always accuse us, nor
will he keep his anger for ever.
Having
been an Episcopalian for over seven decades, I have always believed in a loving
and forgiving God. This is what I was taught in Sunday School as a child and
had reconfirmed in the life long journey of my Episcopal faith. A resentment is anger that "is kept
forever'. It is a calcified anger in my
soul. It has been said that holding on to resentments is like striking oneself
with the hammer of anger aimed at others. As an adult, I learned that I must
practice forgiveness in my relationships with others. A very wise Roman
Catholic nun, Sister Maurice, says "Who am I to tell you that the other
person is deserving of being forgiven? I tell you that if you cannot forgive
them for their sake, forgive them for your own sake." As difficult as forgiving
someone else is, forgiving oneself is significantly harder. Deeply felt regret,
guilt and shame stand in the way. We aim that long-held anger or resentment at
our selves and cause ourselves continued harm.
I
imagine everyone has committed sins of commission or omission that make
forgiving oneself difficult. I know I have. But occasionally I have a little
inner voice that says "and who are you to forgive yourself?" So how
do we practice self forgiveness? If we ask, God will certainly forgive our sins.
So if I ask, He will help me learn to forgive myself. But in no case does He render me white as
snow and keep me that way without my cooperation. In other words, I must do the
hard work. Yet, refusing to do the work necessary for self forgiveness stands
in the way of peace and I would dare to say, doing the will of God. But what is
the work I must do to attain self-forgiveness?
The
first step is to become aware for which of my behaviors (or sins if you prefer)
in the past or present do I need to forgive myself. It is important to think
only of my behavior, not of what someone else did or didn't do. I need to clean
up my side of the street. Do I accept responsibility for my actions regardless
of what caused them? It also is unimportant whether the behavior was intentional
or unintentional. Then how and to whom did I cause physical, emotional or
economic harm? Anytime I harm someone else I cause harm to myself because
harming others is clearly not God's will. Why else would I be feeling regret,
guilt or shame. It seems easier to apologize or make amends to someone than to
forgive myself. But if I am sorry for the harm caused, then I have repented. Of
course, repenting and making an amend is useless and might even be called
hypocritical unless I change that regretted behavior in the future.
.
Once
I have identified the behavior for which I want to forgive myself, have tried
to make amends to the injured party and am ready to forgive myself, how do I do
it? I cannot do it on my own. I cannot
do it by sheer willpower. And I cannot do it by my own intellect and
reasoning. I must pray to God and ask
Him to help me forgive myself. God is the source of all forgiveness and grace.
For surely, grace will be necessary. Especially since guilt and shame will tell
me I am unworthy. But since grace is an unmeritted gift from God, it will be
given even if I don't feel I am worthy. Again, as Sister Maurice says, "If
God has forgiven me, who am I to not forgive myself?"
Psalm
119:25-28
My soul clings to the dust; revive me according to your word.
I have declared my ways, and You remembered
me; teach me Your statutes.
Make me understand the way of your precepts; so I shall meditate on Your wondrous works.
My soul melts from heaviness; strengthen me according to Your word.
Lord, I am full of the dust and heaviness of regret and shame.. Hear my prayer that I
may learn to forgive myself as you have forgiven me.
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